1. The disenfranchised voter:
It has come to my attention that there are too many people who are denied to right to vote for no logical reason. Other than in Chicago, the dead are denied their voting rights. Only in New Orleans can the undead vote. And nowhere in this nation can fictional characters vote. This is simply a travesty! As president I will endeavor to restore the Right to Vote to the dead, undead, and fictional characters.

 

2. Freedom of Religion:
In this country, the concept of Freedom of Religion is preached day after day. It is taught, but not practiced. This Freedom is restricted to only certain mainstream religions. I plan to ensure that freedom of religion is truly Freedom of Religion – be it Voodoo, Wicca, Druidic or even Jedi.

 

3. Terror:
It is not enough just to look for and combat terrorism from this Plane of Existence. We need a Leader who will Defend our Interests not just against Terrestrial nations and organizations, but a Leader who is wise enough and experienced enough to look for enemies wherever that may be. When I am President, we will take the offensive not only against Al Qaeda, but also against lesser known -- but no less deadly -- enemies such as the Demon Spawn of Shuggoth, the Ûr-Ghasts of Thawne, and the John Byrne Message Board.


4. The Military and the Draft:
The dead will rise up and embrace our cause! Under my administration, the ranks of our military will swell, but there will be no need for a draft. Instead, we will utilize an army of zombies, skeletons and other undead. What nation would not cower from such a terrifying force?

 

5. Spam:
One of my top priorities. As soon I as am sworn in, I will sign an Executive Order detailing spam a capital offense.

 

6. Vampire Bats
The government has been hiding the truth from you, the ordinary citizen! Over the past several decades, the number of Vampire Bat Attacks has been increasing at an incredible rate [chart]. This places not just you, the informed voter, at risk -- but the nation as a whole!!.
This is not some crack-pot idea. Vampire Bats are not undead, nor are they any way related to vampires or demons. What they are is a species of highly intelligent evil mammals whose only aim is to wipe out every human on the face of the Earth!
Roswell? Vampire Bats!
The Grassy Knoll? Vampire Bats!
Menudo? Vampire Bats!
As President, I will embark upon an extensive program designed to eliminate the threat of Vampire Bats once and for all!!

 

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© 2004 Polite Dissent